Giant Robot Hitler and Friends
by TastyCheds
Summary: Berlin 1945. Hitler is playing scrabble as the Russian bear mauls the city and decides to defeat the enemy using his new super weapon: a giant robot. Little does he know the exciting journey that he will go on as he travels forward in time and teams up with Megatron to defeat the Autobots, Americans, and everything in between.
1. Pilot

It was the final days of the Reich. The Red Army had totally encircled Berlin, and most of the city had been bombed into a worst state than Corey Worthington's house. Hitler was in his bunker, tapping his fingers on his large, Aryan-made, desk, contemplating over whether or not the 15th Invisidiers had destroyed the entire Soviet Army and kicked Stalin in the groin yet. Suddenly an officer burst through the door.

"Mein Fuehrer, ze Commies are at ze doors of ze bunker, and ve ran out of shampoo!"

"Mein Gott in haven, how am I supposed to have glossy and smooth hair now?"

"Ah, mein Fuehrer, ze Commies…?"

"Shut up Dummkopf, ze 12th Army shall save us."

"Mein Fuehrer, ze 12th Army is just a pencil you threw out ze vindow."

"And mein Gott did that pencil serve its duty. Hmmm," he tapped the desk again, "I know, I have une idea! How is ze project 'Super-Aryan-Bot'?"

"Ah, mein Fuehrer, it has been conveniently finished."

"Oh ja? Quick, ve must get to ze ultra-secret bunker!"

Hitler and the officer left the office, taking the jars of sauerkraut in case they needed an emergency sauerkraut eating session. They ran through the halls into the depths of the bunker, where the epitome of Nazi super-science was held. They opened the door to the 'Nazi Super-Science' room, inside were a number of scientists working feverously away on shining the boots of the giant robot they had created.

Hitler was awe-inspired. "Mein Gott, zhat robot looks exactly like me!"

"Ve did model it after ze most Aryan person on ze planet after all," the head scientist said, "I am Professor Hans, and I present you vith ze machine vhich ve spent ze entire Hindenburg budget on."

"It is certainly impressive ja, but vhere is ze giant laser?"

"It is in ze foot. Now mein Fuehrer, ve must be quick, ze Reds are coming!"

Hitler ran up the catwalk to the cockpit, which was located in the robot's head. Suddenly the officer burst through the door.

"Mein Fuehrer!" he shouted, "Ze Amerikana are here!"

"Oh sheisen! I knew ve should have left the door closed!" one of the guards shouted. He was interrupted as a dozen bullets went through the officer's chest and a cigar-chomping, muscle-packed, gun-toting, shirt-bursting, flag-wearing, apple pie-loving Nameless American Soldier burst into the room.

"Hey hey bitches," he shouted, his shirt bursting twice in the process, "It's party-time!" He fired both of his machine-guns at all the Germans in the room. The guards in the room retaliated, but they had graduated from the 'Colonel Klutz School of Being a Nazi'. They were mown down in short succession.

"Mein Fuehrer get to da bunka!" Hans shouted, before being shot and falling off the catwalk. "Ach mein kopf exploden!"

Hitler ran quickly down the catwalk, miraculously avoiding the machine-gun fire due to the fact he was a main character. He made it into the Hasbro-inspired cockpit, strapped himself in and closed the face.

"Now, vhere is ze insta-vin button" he asked himself, looking over the controls. He found the 'GIANT FRIGGING LASER' button and pressed it. "Suck on mein sauerkraut Amerikana!" he shouted.

"What the hell is this crap?!" the nameless American soldier shouted, after having planted a few American flags on the wall. He pulled out a bazooka, his shirt bursting off yet again, and aimed it at the giant fighting robot. "Take this ya Kraut bastard!"

He fired the bazooka just as Hitler fired the laser, the two projectiles intercepting and forming a hole in time and space. Hitler was flung about in the time-space continuum, his sauerkraut flung around the cockpit, as he was lost in time.

_To be continued…? _


	2. Forward to the Past or maybe Future

It was a fairly plain day in Smithsville, Plainsylvania, population something above 4.7. Its inhabitants were strolling around town as they usually did, with little idea of where Smithsville was geographically located and unconcerned with the giant robots fighting and destroying roughly the whole city in the process. It was just a normal day.

Suddenly, a giant time vortex opened above Smithsville's 'Park for Semi-Grown Man-Children and Druggies', all of whom were too stoned or too engulfed in looking at pornography to notice the giant figgin' hole in the sky. As the vortex raged a giant robotic figure that had an uncanny resemblance to Hitler was flung out, who landed in a dumpster.

"-" Hitler was shouting before landing in the giant robot-sized dumpster. He stood up and brushed himself off. "Vhere am I?" he asked himself, strolling about the park. "Gutentag little Aryan boy," he said to a 79-year old hobo, "Vould you like some candy?"

"I must say my dear chum," the hobo replied rather elegantly for no particular reason, "But I must inquire into the nature of your character, as you appear to be a monumentally-sized robotic persona of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler questionably offering my person a gift of some sweets, and your method of transportation in travelling to this park, as it appears that you managed to get here via a time-space vortex of some variety."

"MEIN GOTT!" Hitler shouted, "It's Vinston Churchill, back from ze grave!" He quickly ran out of the park with little attention from the semi-grown man-children, who had figured out that the correct way to view pornography was to open the magazine's front page.

"Bob," another hobo said, "Was you talkin' in a fancy accent again?"

"Indubitably my dear fellow, what-ho and a cup of tea."

"...I has no idea what ya just said," the hobo replied, before returning to attempting to snort the rusty see-saw.

Meanwhile, Giant Robot Hitler ran down the street and away from the park as quickly as possible. Eventually he slowed down and started taking huge breaths, even though he wasn't a smoker...nor was the giant robot. "Mein Gott, I need sauerkraut!" he concluded, looking around the busy street to see if he could find any. He noticed that there was what looked like a bundle of sauerkraut on a bench of one of the street's market stalls. He stealthily tip-toed his way to the store, trying to avoid creating noise as his feet caused miniature earthquakes, and finally came to the store and stole the bundle. As he made a run for it a man with a suspicious resemblance to Crocodile Dundee burst out of the store screaming "A giant robot! A giant robot stole my baby!"

"I am 56 years old, vhat is zhis?" Hitler asked as he probed inside the bundle, which looked suspiciously like a baby, "Zhis is not sauerkraut." He tossed the bundle to some twenty-something woman and continued to look for some sauerkraut.

As he continued down into a suburban neighbourhood he suddenly felt the presence of sauerkraut nearby. "Mein Germie sense is tingling!" he shouted, and followed his sense to a house with an absurdly spacious open window. There was a housewife inside, about to leave something on the windowsill.

"Hey John, this sauerkraut from China tastes terrible, I'll leave it by the window and hope someone comes by and steals it." She dumped the greyish sauerkraut on the windowsill and went back into the living room. Giant Robot Hitler saw his opportunity and hastily took the sauerkraut and ran to a side-alley. Giant Robot Hitler rolled his prize and pushed it up his left-nostril.

"Ahhhhhh....zhat is some good sauerkraut." He commented, before having an uncontrollable urge to vomit. Fortunately the robot's cockpit was fitted with a maid for the emergency of Chinese sauerkraut being ingested. Giant Robot Hitler walked down the street, still having little idea of where he actually was. He came by a bench and sat down, defeated in his inability to the geography skills that he had taught the Hitler Youth. He looked around, and noticed that on a street corner there were two giant robots, one coloured blue and red and the other dark grey and red, punching each other and destroying the city centre in the process as the locals walked by without concern.

They started to banter. "Megatron, I am of the opinion that your smoking in my face is not cool."

"Well Optimus, I am not of the opinion that smoking in your face is not cool." They exchanged blows again, toppling God-knows how many buildings. Hitler, looking on keenly, noticed that there was a shiny star located on the bonnet of Optimus.

"Hey, it is un Jew zhat is beating up zhat Aryan robot!" he realised, and decided to enter the fight.

"Megatron, I am also of the opinion that taking a dump in my bed is-" He was interrupted as Hitler punched him in the jaw. "Ouch," Optimus said as he fell to the floor.

"I think that taking a dump in- hey, who the crap are you?" Megatron asked as he noticed that Hitler was kicking a downed Optimus in the groin.

"I am Giant Robot Hitler, ze saviour of Germany, ze warrior of ze Aryan race, and I shall save you from zhis Jewish robot!"

"Right," Megatron said as he lit a cigarette, "Now that Optimus is unconscious let's go party."

"Un gutt idea mein fellow Aryan robot," Hitler replied, and they both headed to the nearest oxygen bar.

_...to be continued?_


	3. Sauerkraut Quest

_Hello there dear readers, it has come to my attention that it has been quite a while since I updated this thrilling, insightful and masterful work that is 'Giant Robot Hitler and Friends'. The reasoning for this is not because I was kidnapped on a holiday to one of the many exotic locales that I vacate, nor was I involved in a super secret Illuminati program to eliminate the five demons that inhabit the caverns beneath the Earth's surface, all plotting to one day return to the surface with their armies of foul minions to reclaim the Earth and destroy the heavens, no, what happened was that I got lazy. Super lazy. So lazy that I could only find two of the five demons before calling it a night. But enough about my attempts to save this world from the destructive forces at work beneath your very house right now and enjoy this gripping instalment in the Giant Robot Hitler saga!_

"...oh man!" Megatron exclaimed as he and Giant Robot Hitler stumbled out onto the street, having overdosed on that incredible drug that is present throughout our entire planet, "I can't believe it took us one thousand and fifty-two days to find an oxygen bar!"

"Indeed mein camaraden!" Hitler shouted, before throwing up all over his mouth, "I did not even know zhat oxygen bars existed until you suggested we find ein!"

The two giant robots collapsed onto the pavement, crushing several cars in the process.

Megatron turned over to his new robotic dictator friend, "Hey Hitler, I'm just going to take a piss. By that I mean I'm going to go into that back alley and open up my sanitary ports to release a lubricating fluid."

Hitler's mouth was agape as Megatron powered himself up and waddled into the dark back street. "I cannot believe he vould say somezing zhat rude!" Hitler vomited some more over himself, an impressive feat given that he was actually a giant robot.

Rolling on the floor, he noticed out of the corner of his visual receptors a unsuspicious looking white van on the other side of the street, with the words 'Free Sauerkraut inside' scrawled on the side with what appears to have been blood of the innocent.

"Vahey, free sauerkraut!" Hitler roared, finding renewed strength to propel him into the air for two feet until he got to the van. The van's door slid open as Hitler approached, inviting him inside into the darkness of the vehicle's interior; this should have been an enormous warning sign, but alas, poor Giant Robot Hitler was too stoned on oxygen to notice.

As he climbed inside, the door sealed. Little did Hitler know, but Optimus Prime had had a complete makeover in the 1052 days since he had had his ass kicked by the German automaton.

Hitler awoke inside a bathtub filled with ice. He could not recollect what had transpired in the events prior to waking up in the tub, nor did he know how he could fit inside a normal sized bathtub despite his enormous robot size. Giant Robot Hitler looked down at himself, and noticed that there were two red lipstick lines running along his lower body.

"Mein gott, zhey stole mein kidneys!"

He was devastated, but shrugged his huge shoulders and got over it pretty quickly. "Oh vell, now time for some sauerkraut!"  
He rose from the depths of the tub and started ransacking the house for the precious fuel of the German nation. Disappointed in finding no sauerkraut, even as he tore open the house's plumbing and foundations, he decided to go out for a nice day of shopping.

Flying into the city using his thrusters, he landed outside a store that had looked promising from its mammoth concrete block appearance and its enormous name, "Everything-You-Could-Ever-Want-Or-Need-In-Your-Life-Or-We-Will-Buy-Your-Life-And-Turn-You-Into-A-Lifeless-Consumerist-Husk-With-No-Love-For-The-World-Mart' a name so long it had single-handedly caused a global financial crisis when every stockbroker who attempted to announce the store's stock price died of old age somewhere around the 'With'.

Hitler delicately grabbed a trolley with his crushing hands and strolled through the front door. Inside the store was a mountain of aisles, all reaching up into the concrete heavens and packed with all manner of essential things that you needed because that daytime TV ad said so. Giant Robot Hitler rolled up to the 'German goods' aisle, noticing the many Volkswagen beetles that lined each side.

"Ze car of ze people indeed!" he proclaimed to no one in particular, "Efficient, reliable and made only with the finest German hands!" Buy one today!

As he made his way somewhere past the stolen national artefacts section and found what he was looking for; a sign atop a giant concrete tower that reached into the heavens, saying that the sauerkraut was in limited supply.

"I'll climb zis like I climbed the German hierarchy!" He spat into his hands for some reason, and grabbed onto the shelves that dotted the tower's surface. Cautiously he made his way up, making sure to stop every now and then for a break as he didn't want to sprain his robot back. Somewhere in the one thousand metres high shelf a brave soul who had been just before him lost their grip and fell off, screaming suspiciously like another character from a film that had a German name and was eaten by a crocodile.

Finally, with one last great thrust he climbed onto the top, victorious. "I am ze greatest Aryan alive!" Hitler shouted as his black hair wove in the wind. Having completed his half hour of pumping his fist into the air and generally feeling good about his achievement in getting an item that would have been easier to get from the German store that was just two stores down from this shopping mall, he walked up to the shelf and gasped.

The last sauerkraut was in the hands of a giant upright reptile, possibly from an island nation renowned for its peculiar culture and love of all things to do with fat men wrestling with each other. So in other words it was Godzilla.

"Honorary Aryan!" Hitler said, "I demand zhat you release ze sauerkraut and back away slowly! I NEED IT IN MY NOSTRILS RIGHT NOW!"

Godzilla looked at Hitler, confused by the meek robot trying to bully him out of his hard-earned sauerkraut, before initiating his foot thrusters and bursting through the roof, leaving Hitler alone.

"NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIN! ZAT SAUERKRAUT BELONGS TO ZE GERMAN PEOPLE!" Hitler in turn initiated his thrusters and punched his way through the roof, chasing after Godzilla as they flew over the city, much to the amazement of no one on the streets.

Finally Hitler reached him and punched Godzilla right in the lizard's stupid face. Godzilla fell to the earth, destroying countless skyscrapers and causing billions of dollars' worth of damage in the process.

Hitler laughed, pulling a triumphant pose as giant Japanese characters materialised in front of him, which roughly translated meant 'Super-Giant-Happy-Hitler-Bot'.

Luckily the sauerkraut, that had been flying through the air after getting knocked from Godzilla, landed into Hitler's hand, which then proceeded to put the sauerkraut up his nostril all deep like.

"Ah, finally, MEIN BODY IS NOW READY FOR ZE ARYAN CRUSADE!"

"Hey!" someone shouted. Hitler turned around and saw a gang of five teens with attitude, all wearing coloured latex suits that seemed to vaguely correspond with their character. The red one, carrying a 2x4, pointed at Giant Robot Hitler, "No one destroys our city on our watch! Let's get him guys!"  
They all pounced on Hitler, beating him to the ground with an assortment of weapons, things they found on the streets and really mean words about Hitler's mother.

"Mein delicate giant robot body!" Hitler whimpered as he was beaten with a 2x4. Finally Hitler blanked out after someone mentioned that his Hugo Boss trousers looked silly on him.

Hitler woke up in a bathtub, filled with ice and a sense of déjà vu. The lipstick was back again, also over where his kidneys were.

"How many times can mein kidneys be stolen" he wondered, before noticing that Megatron was opposite him in the tub. They looked awkwardly at each other, like giant robots do when they're in a bath together.

_...to be continued?_


End file.
